Proxy and Your RAD Adopted Child:


This blog is for the adoptive parents experiencing difficulties in your relationship with your RAD adopted child. RAD means Reactive Attachment Disorder. I have written about it in many previous posts. Please take some time and read about it.

My last post explained how your adopted child needs your strength first of all. Your strength is what will be tested in you before your love is permitted anywhere near their heart. I hope you were helped and given insight because RAD adopted children are complex and full of puzzling behavior.  A RAD adopted child does want love – but receiving it makes them feel weak and vulnerable unless they know the person loving them is strong first.


Exercising Strength through Proxy

 In this post, we will outline a practical way for you as the adoptive parent to display the strength of your heart to your adopted child. This display will occur through repentance proxy. I will explain as we continue.

By definition, proxy means “one appointed or authorized to act for another or the written authorization to act in place of another.” Because you’ve stepped in to replace your adopted child’s birth parents, you have the authorization to act on behalf of your adopted child(ren). This authorizes you to repent on behalf of the birth parents for their decisions which put your child in need of being adopted. When it comes to the hurt feelings your adopted child has experienced, you are the perfect person to repent on behalf of their birth parents. This brings justice to your adopted child’s hurting heart.


The Power of Proxy Repentance 

 We had a breakthrough for an adopted child at the life coaching center where I work which perfectly illustrates the supernatural power of the concept of proxy repentance. This situation occurred with a child who was in his late teens and knew his birth mom. He saw her occasionally and hated her. He blamed all the issues of the breakup of his birth family on his birth mother (some were very valid) and his feelings grew to the point of wishing she were dead.

I was in this session with another life coach and we stood in proxy and repented on behalf of this teen’s birth mom. When he left there didn’t seem to be any notable difference. He even seemed more agitated and was rude to the other life coach. In addition, he also took much of his hatred for his birth mom out on his adoptive mom.

He didn’t make another appointment and left indignant and irritated. BUT THEN – two weeks later we find out that his birth mom called and wanted to see him. He begrudgingly went to her house. To his shock and surprise—his birth mom genuinely apologized for the pain she caused and all she had done wrong. We were all amazed.. There was full reconciliation. The teen forgave his birth mom and is doing so much better! He went from being in a place where bitterness and anger were influencing every avenue of his life, to being at peace and rest. YEAH!!


How Did This Happen?

 You’re probably wondering, “why did this happen?” All I can say is this was a spiritual supernatural event accomplishing something in the heart of the birth mom resulting in reconciliation between son and birth mother. There was mutual emotional healing. Praise God!! He is so good at turning things around for us!!


This is where the adoptive father comes into play:

  Below is a suggested list to repent of on behalf of the birth parents. I understand the RAD child usually is angry towards the birth mother and adoptive mother. The fathers seem to get off “scot free.” If this is the case and the adoptive father has a good relationship with their adopted child, the adoptive father can step into the role of proxy and repent on behalf of your adopted child’s birth parents face-to-face. The opinion of the adoptive father is so important, so if the relationship permits – so go for it! Otherwise you can just pray in proxy without your adopted child present.


Suggested Proxy Repent List (according to what applies in the situation):

 1)      For the choices they (the birth parents) have made that has brought undue consequences to your child

 2)      For not wanting to be inconvenienced by the child’s birth

 3)      For not being mature enough (emotionally, mentally, or physically) to take on the responsibility of a child

 4)      For not accepting the consequences of their choices resulting in giving them away

 5)      For putting the child in a family that they might not even look like (the adoptive family)

 6)      For putting them in a situation that they feel afraid, abandoned and rejected

 7)      For the loneliness they feel

 8)      For the constant questions they think about to try to understand why they weren’t wanted

 9)      For the wondering if they caused the adoption and weren’t good enough to be loved

 10)  For all the heart ache

 11)  For the abuse they may have endured before they were adopted

 12)  For any selfishness the birth parents had in the whole process

 (This is not an exhaustive list and I’m sure every adoptive family has issues influencing their specific situation)


In Conclusion:

 Justice is so important in adoption and this healing tool of proxy helps to facilitate justification. Proxy brings your child to truths they may not have thought of before. Many adopted children can’t get past the undue rejection and abandonment they have experienced. What human can really understand why parents can give a child away? So, if the birth parent can’t or won’t apologize for their actions which brought them to the decision of giving their child up – then proxy gives the child some of the restitution they are looking for.


If you would like help in this process please call our office and make an appointment with our life coaching center. You can make an appointment with me at the  I would love to help you through this process. My name is Laurie. Until next time…


I would love to hear any comment you have. Please leave it in the comment box below. See you next time…

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